When the carer can no longer care

[pgf54]

In the middle of last year i had to place Mum into a care facility as my Dad and I could no longer cope. It was one of the hardest decisions to make in my life, i cried ,it only took a sad song, sometimes at the wheel driving and my Dad cried, there were so many mixed emotions. Sorting out her possessions as though she had died, but was still there. I tried looking after Mum with Dad for a while, but although she wasnt really difficult it was the repetition that made it so hard, the obsession with silly things. There were times i lost my cool, i said things i shouldn't have said,, but i did my best. My mum was my best friend, my confident and i loved her to bits and still do, though she isnt the same person any more.
When i got ill too i really couldnt cope with her as i was in a bad place myself. My Dad managed for a while, but when she began getting dressed in the night and turning all the lights on and wandering off and there was incontinence, he began to look exhausted, i knew it was time.
I could have beaten myself up over this, felt guilt and blame, after all i was a Registered Mental Health And General Nurse that mainly worked in dementia units for forty years and i couldnt care for my own Mum.
Then i had to put it into perspective and i knew she would have understood, and i had to tell myself, there is only 20 years between my mum and i in ages, so i have to make the most of that 20 years not spend it in some guilt ridden depression.
Incidentally Mum never asked to come home, she thrives on the attention and cuddles and loves the female contact (ie doing her hair and nails ) which Dad and i weren't so good at. My visits are good and i always tell her she is the best Mum in the world and i mean it.
I guess the point of sharing this is to say you can only do your best and not to be too hard upon yourself when you are in a similar situation.

[KatieS]

{{{pgf54}}} your heartfelt story was so appreciated by me as a caretaker.

[Thx4thegenes]

pgf54, reading this just brought me to tears and breaks my heart. Your mum loves you too and you did do your best for her and your dad. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

[Julie G]

{{{Paul}}} Thank you for sharing. We recently came to the same decision for my 99 year old Grandmother. So hard, but we felt we had no choice to best protect her, my Mom, myself, etc... You're an amazing son.

[SusanJ]

Many hugs - it is the hardest decision. Been there with my dad. Sometimes we just don't have the skills or reserve to keep our loved ones safe and as healthy as possible, and we have to rely on the professionals. So glad to hear your visits are good! It must help put your mind at ease that this was the right decision.

[Starfish77]

{{{pgf54}}} Thank you for sharing your beautiful story of your mom. You and your dad did the most loving thing when you accepted that she needed a different level of care. It is great she has adapted so well to her new location and is enjoying the female contact. You must have made a really good choice in finding such a caring place.
Starfish

[circular]

{{{pgf54}}} ... not enough emoticons. need tears. thank you for sharing this. it is best we hear these sentiments about not feeling guilty from those who've been there. what an amazing mother/son relationship.

[NF52]

Let me just add my warm support for both your decision to find a wonderful home for your "mum" and for your willingness to share the process and feelings around that decision. My mother and mother-in-law both needed that level of support within the last 10 years, and before them my grandmother, and several aunts. I recognize that I have a better than even chance of needing "memory care" at some point. If I were your mother, I would want you to know that it is a gift to be able to once again help a child to celebrate your life, not mine, in making that decision. I too would welcome the cuddles, the hair and nail salon--and the chocolate chip cookie that might find me occasionally.