Tell my children or not?

A primer for newbies and old pros alike.
circular
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 5565
Joined: Sun Nov 03, 2013 10:43 am

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by circular »

Thanks for looking out for us J11. I'm so sorry you have a sticky wicket in that corner too! I'll definitely think about this.
ApoE 3/4 > Thanks in advance for any responses made to my posts.
J11
Contributor
Contributor
Posts: 3351
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 4:04 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by J11 »

Yes, a sticky wicket indeed.

We are the Damned,
Damned to eternity to sail the world,
Sail the world in lament,
In lament aboard the Flying Dutchman.

Our only comfort is that someone might learn,
Someone might learn from our mistake,
learn from our mistake and not repeat it.


It is a very easy mistake to avoid with a truly living will. That is having codicils that would come into effect
if lawyers or others behaved in a prespecified way. For example, one codicil might give authorization to fire any
lawyer that decided to go off a pre-arranged or pre-established pay grid.

The only reason that we never went through this process is because with people you love you never want to talk about.
You never want to be thoughtful about what would happen in such circumstances.

For those on the thread, the small amount of effort to work through this would be worth its weight in gold.
It is very simple to create the needed safe guards to keep control over your own life.

It is a very well known phenomena in human behavior: Whenever people acquire the technical authority to do something,
no matter how immoral that something might be, they will. This game has probably been played in the legal profession for years.
With the internet, it might not be for much longer.
User avatar
SusanJ
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 3058
Joined: Wed Oct 30, 2013 7:33 am
Location: Western Colorado

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by SusanJ »

Hugs, J11. Sorry you found yourself sailing on the ship no one wants to be on. Thanks for sharing, because it is indeed a good reminder for us to review/ensure our documents to make sure they spell out our wishes in detail.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people will take advantage of someone with cognitive issues with no twinge of guilt. :x
J11
Contributor
Contributor
Posts: 3351
Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 4:04 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by J11 »

I think the main problem is that Power of Attorney forms are written by lawyers for the benefit of lawyers.
If people were to give it even a moments thought they would never sign a carte blanche authorization for their
lawyer to manage their life savings when they became mentally incapacitated. This does not make any sense.

The idea that would have worked out so much better for us, would have been to have a agreement that allowed our
family to retain the role of employer of our lawyer and other professionals. The problem with the POA forms as they are
written is that the employees are given the legal authority to write their paycheck with the money of very severely demented
people. How was this ever allowed to be legal?

I suspect that the clout of the dementia community will at some point need to be exerted to redefine the legality of these practices.
Our demented family members have lived for decades considered as legally incompetent persons needing the guardianship of others to look after their affairs. The dementia crisis will result in millions of people being in our loved one's position. When it is more fully appreciated that the sacred trust bestowed on professionals has been abused, I really do not see how there could be any other choice but to more fully monitor the actions of such professionals.

It is all too clear to us now how this could be avoided.
For everyone on the thread, it would be wise to consider this and work through how you or your loved one's could avoid such a fate.
tesslo
Contributor
Contributor
Posts: 68
Joined: Mon Jul 21, 2014 11:45 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by tesslo »

I told my daughter and husband and my daughter was a big mistake...I told her that I wanted to go into a nursing home (there's some nice ones where I live) and all I wanted from her was to check on me once and awhile and I think she saw that as dipping into her inheritance. My Mom had dementia I believe, my Dad is a 3/3 so I know I had to get my 4 from her. It was a total mess my Mom telling me she had done this and that and I believed her, my younger spoiled siblings coming down like vultures. I had my daughters DNA done and I have not looked, don't want to.

It's not that uncommon for I worked in Social Services and Hospitals and saw the same thing over and over.

The healthy protocol does not hurt anyone! I always ate healthy and exercised but after fine tuning my diet a bit (Dr Gundry thank you) I just demand the time to exercise and eat well and after a cup or two of coffee I feel like Bradley Cooper in "Limitless" so I think I am optimally functioning for 62.

I think it is wise not to give too much info away....I told my doctor and I told him I would send the info and changed my mind quickly. If it ever came up I would deny until I thought about it a little more...a need to know basis.

My husbands mother was on Medicare and had to be in a care home in the end and they took all the money that she had saved (money we gave her!)

I am sure there exceptions but when it comes down to it human nature prevails :cry: I think I'm taking my money and going to Puerto Vallarta to retire as planned!
hill dweller
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 189
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:26 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by hill dweller »

edit
Last edited by hill dweller on Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Nords
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 117
Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:55 pm
Location: Oahu.
Contact:

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by Nords »

hill dweller wrote:It would be negligence, bordering on criminal, not to inform IMO.
You could give them the choice.

I told my brother that I'd be happy to do 23andMe testing on him and our father (who's in mid-stage Alzheimer's) so that we could compare genomes to mine. I also told my brother that I'd share all of my genome info with him now, if he was interested.

He's not interested. He doesn't want to know. Of course he can still change his mind and ask me someday (and I'll tell him), but I'm leaving the choice in his hands.

I did tell him that I'm a cystic fibrosis carrier, and he agrees that he'll keep it in mind if he ever decides to have kids.
Author of "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement". Royalties go to military charities.
Co-author (with my daughter): "Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation FI."
To contact me, please send a PM.
hill dweller
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 189
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:26 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by hill dweller »

edit
Last edited by hill dweller on Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Stavia
Contributor
Contributor
Posts: 5255
Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:47 pm
Location: Middle Earth

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by Stavia »

Hilldweller how old are they?
hill dweller
Senior Contributor
Senior Contributor
Posts: 189
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:26 pm

Re: Tell my children or not?

Post by hill dweller »

Mid- to late- twenties. Old enough to care. Young enough to impact their own health.
Post Reply