Feeling selfish

[martiS]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

[NF52]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

Hi martiS,
Thank you for taking the time out of what sounds like a challenging schedule to post on our forum. Holidays can be a time of joy, but they can also be stressful, especially when our day-to-day needs don't match with our memories or expectations. If you are comfortable sharing your wife's diagnosis, and your concerns, we may be able to offer some suggestions. If I am correct in assuming that her "illness" is Alzheimer's, then I would gently suggest using the wonderful resources of care partner support available through the Alzheimer's Association. Meeting with, or talking on the phone with someone who has faced the same emotional and financial worries can be the difference between finding a way to manage worry and being overwhelmed by it.

The 24-hour helpline for the Alzheimer's Association is 800.272.3900 and here's a link to their resources for financial and legal planning. We are not affiliated with them at all, by the way.

Please understand that you are not selfish for worrying about how your own life will change. My husband and I both have seen the different needs that developed over time with our mothers' dementia diagnoses. Being able to talk about that as we consider our own future, and recognizing that our loved ones may need to take decisions that safeguard their own future and health, is something that we never need to justify.

I hope you find some peace and share your worries with us, or with someone close to you and your wife (a doctor, a family friend) as well as with someone who can give you good information for your situation.

[CarrieS]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

Hi Marti,
I too would like to welcome you to our forum. Since you are new here, I'd like to share this "How To" post in the Wiki that will give you some tips and tricks for navigating around. I agree with NF52 that it isn't selfish to consider what our personal future holds. The more information we have, the better prepared we can be for what is ahead. This web site is full of great information and a wealth of knowledge within it's membership so please don't hesitate to ask questions. Sending hugs your way!

[roxanne]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

Hi MartiS: Feelings of selfishness and guilt are so average when we are faced with the unknown. Talking about them and exposing them is what moves you to do the right thing for your wife and for everybody involved. You might discover that instead of being a sign of weakness those feelings become your strength. Embrace them, feelings are just that, feelings. They don't define you. But I can guarantee that your actions if you are faced with your wife getting worse are going to be of a very loving person, and you won't worry about anything but her being comfortable. You already took the first step. Let us know more about your story.

For now, enjoy your holiday, even if a little tainted by those feelings. And when you have some time, listen to NF52, she's a veritable encyclopedia of resources.

[Sara Mushel, MS]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

Good evening, martiS!

First of all, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult time during this holiday season. Take heart that you're in a great place here with the Apoe4 community. I second NF52 and roxanne's sentiment - the feelings of guilt and selfishness are common. Perhaps you may find some comfort from others who have experienced similar feelings by doing a thread search of related posts. You can do so by clicking the the search icon (magnifying glass) on the upper right corner of the menu bar.

In the meantime, a great place to start are the Welcome, Primer, and Wiki pages. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them here. If you would like to share more information about your wife, we'll likely be better able to help you on your journey.

Happy Holidays,

Sara

[SusanJ]

My wife is still doing well. But if she gets worse, I worry what her illness will do to my life, especially financially. I'm feeling very selfish and guilty.

Welcome, and many of us have been in a caregiver role, wondering about the financial consequences. My husband and I are in a caregiving role for his sister with dementia, and now his BIL, who was diagnosed with cancer. We humans always want to do all that we can for the ones we love, but as they say, you gotta make sure to have your oxygen mask on first before assisting your dependents, and that includes the financial part.

You might want to work your way through a great thread about many topics surrounding being a caregiver/conservator/guardian written by one of our members. It's a great resource to help think through all the details of how to put a structure in place to make sure that your stress can be at a minimum for administrative reasons.

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=2566#p29661

And a followup, starts here about how the post's author handled his personal affairs: viewtopic.php?f=2&t=4183&start=10#p67229

Come back any time and let us know how we can help!

[martiS]

I want to thank all of you who responded to my "feeling guilty and selfish" post. Your input meant more to me than I can ever express in words. Thank you for your kindness and caring. God Bless You!

martiS